I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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