this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
