I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize