they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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