Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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