I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
