i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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