I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
