An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
