Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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