Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize