They should really pass out barf bags in church
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
