There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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