We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
