There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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