Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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