there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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