Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
