Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
