I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
