im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
