We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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