I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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