The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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