I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think your dad took our porno
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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