There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
tell me about the eggs
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
