I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
