remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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