Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
