I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize