He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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