i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
