i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
