I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
honey bunches of taint.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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