Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
