he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
