New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You did what with his pubic hair?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize