i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
