i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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