I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
