When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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