Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
