No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
