I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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