I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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