My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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