Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just took my morning after pill in the library
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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