Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
