I wanna bring you to show and tell
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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