were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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