I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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