The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
