I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
