i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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