what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
