I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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