dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
